Here’s To The Timeline
Dear Aleksandra,
Here’s the best I can do for write(typing)
Hey Honey Bun! i’m late as fuck at 28 still finding my way but know that you’re making the best out of your ❤. So many layers to unpack, regardless shame myself while write(typing) this. Finally taking some time to listen to the coloring book playlist I put together to strike the emotional match that will never organically be felt again. No story better than meeting the person to teach me how to love than in a philosophical study group.Leeka left us 8/1/21 in a bitter symphony of her own making from her relentless authentic lifestyle.
Leeka’s Eulogy: https://pfr4lif3.medium.com/the-final-eulogy-f373777a10fd
To start this off, I already know I’m on stage on the shame game. Not a single writing back from your original(I imagine) can’t be taken lightly as well as our last encounters at brandenburg. But all in all needed the time to discover what really mattered. unfortunately I took the path over experience over trust in wisdom. but ultimately after hearing “Stay with Me” by Sam Smith. Couldn’t stop myself from at least writing a rough draft :).
I’m hoping your spirits stayed bright with tinder, but if not I hope to at least start a spark.
Realistically there is no way to start a write(typing) after waiting as long as I have but as you know I really don’t care, mostly because I love you.
The treasured sanctity that we experience will always be unrivaled, my devotion to cause will always be unmatched, and impossible to recreate. And first thing is to reference is to take us back to the moment we truly met. The day after the first study group……. talking breakfast after our early class ❤
Before June 2014. Before the Easter Sunday Jonah Strip Club. After discovering the HSV Macbook Pro diary. Before Taco Tony, when I was making Caramel & hard rock sugar convetionaries. Waaaaay before hotboxing the mailroom with dumb xan boy Kevin. I definitely wasn’t making the right decisions. not enough distance with cohabitation (which was totally my fault) but all in all though I was the bad guy. end result was the apartment was moving forward. Too bad for codependence, I saw my out which was my mom’s and I burnt it for no reason really.
Just a young kid with emotions without a plan… what could go wrong? well I sure the fuck found out & after everything found myself right where I started, just with more time under a belt of experience for the ages of memory. Time has spared me in many ways (No Kids XD) I never lost sight and always knew that regardless of if the love I feel is towards you, that I should cherish the feeling as a protector, helper & partner. Now I am not going to state a flawless execution by any means. But the fondest memory I’ll ever hold is the night I was at Aarons(Telavi Tower) while you were working at Adagio Tea & had a stomach ache. I was relaxing playing video games & you called with an upset stomach in need of Pepto-Bismol. I dropped the controller & raced over ❤ those are the things to remember about love, and I thank you for helping me never forget.
Even if a reunion is unattainable(which I’m not convinced of) everything you’ve taught me has made me a better man. Though I hung with sloosies, it takes a bit of understanding to figure out where a person wants to go in life.
But after 5 years of steeping have finally found the courage to write you back because it’s honestly the time. I’ve gone through my tests & tribulations, while you have sure gone through your own. If you’ve found your match I’m happy for you while staying in solitude improving myself for whatever significant other that comes to understand that I have not taken a single day in vein while understanding that I made many of the most egregious mistakes in my life ….. staying toxically tethered while staying in the name of improvement.
At this point, whatever improvements made have been made seeking a higher self. From “Joy of Nothing” by Foy Vance, To “Lollipop” (who TF made that track?) ending with Loser Wins” By Atmosphere. All in all I was describing myself in that last one. Shouldn’t have made you a focal point & had a bigger dream for my life. Like if I took the initiate to start producing youtube content covering edibles….. a big loss for me of course as well as you… totally me to blame.
Since finding firmer ground have dedicated my life to the vision I missed with you….. Cryptocurrency, Cannabis lifestyle…. I missed all of it while watching Jenna Marbles with you ❤ (no regrets!). If I was half as conscience as I am now would have taken those signals as a clear sign to make youtube content, no trap & the dream would have already been achieved by now! but hey I’m your hype that was working off of misevaluated values of a immature being.
As said before, I hope you’re happy with love in your life. I personally have gone the exact opposite route of seeking & have abstained for the last 3 years to work on myself, probably the best thing I could ever hold myself within conviction to.
My hair is longer than yours and I’ve removed myself from any possible dating pool based on looks. I gained weight and make wonderful meals that way better than my first encounter with noodles with you ❤ (that shit had too many noodles!)
I now completely forgive you for making me late to the papa roach show ❤ I never understood what getting ready was for the likes of long hair XD until I did an ethnographic study ;-) (damn women deal with a lot)
So with all that i’ve really said nothing but a big olé thank you for the love & experience. without you I’d be a savage without a cause, nothing in my life other than discouragement, deceit & a chip on my shoulder with hate in my heart.
So thank you for everything, whether good or bad because without it I’d be lost without a single sense of direction probably dead without a life mission or purpose.
Though what had to be endured to get to where we are wouldn’t have been possible without cleaning the apartment, technically your mind(which is what the state of the dwelling projects).
Sucks to say but I was willing to wager our relationship for your better development. though I fell short in many regard of perfect, I did what no man would try… proving chivalry isn’t dead(in some hearts of men).
But if we think to back then & whether it would have been better to forget the apartment move out, grab a condo & build of life would have short changed you on you’re own emotional processing I knew it would be better to process than run from feeling. Never to forget the stories of that built the narrative that made me yours. From our similar stories of broken homes without fathers, to our yearning to make others feel apart of something more. we find ourselves in a weird world of swipe culture that I won’t subscribe to :-( .
So Happy Belated Birthday! Last day of Lio first day of Virgo! I miss you everyday and pray for your best in life whatever it leads to! As I walk down the same path of self discovery I still only feel your hand in mine with green tea frap chip frappuccinos in the other! Traveling with no care in the world other than that the other was with us ❤ .
Now as an accountable man, I find that the real issue was the fact that I never established a boundary, free fall in love…… I’m sure you’ve found many of the same state of mind ❤ . you are a 10/10, though I’m sure you can think of me as a 0/10 from words i’d say, makes me know that the only way to correct was to stay away & alone. Thinking about the last couple Ember’s & Paige’s of my story would lead any to a clear conclusion. but all in all am so thankful that you weren't around for the dark “uncle Tony” days. towards 2016. Glad you stayed safe away from my impulsive decision making ass making only bad decisions as most young men(without a father) would make.
So where am I right now? Happy alone knowing that if I keep working on myself that I might one day me a redeemable man with a cause. I made coloring books without a vision (amazon canceled me on a discrepancy{Total Bullshit bruh!}) I started a Youtube channel breaking the fear barrier of posting cannabis videos public… Made a facebook group(she poppin! 15K Membership!) I make literally every video the community needs! feel super fulfilled(even though that love is not present but always cherished & never forgotten) finally got into cryptocurrency! Making tutorial videos for that stuff as well & honestly can only thank you for finally full sending my convictions in life. back in the kitchen I was a scared child afraid of publicly cannabissing because I thought my family would discover what I was doing(& actually cared)….reality check! these mfkrs never thought boy would be on Youtube. so they will never discover the channel…. something I need to implore to every person because if I started when we started we’d be on top of the world without a care in the world. {probably the same situation on a later timeline ;-) }
Dear Aleksandra, Thank you for helping me:
tear my heart open
sew myself shut
My weakness is
That I care too much
And my scars remind me
That the past is real
I tear my heart open
Just to feel
XD XD XD. Even thought we missed the show, I know Papa Roach played this track & I wish we saw it live together. While saying a super late sorry for not being a more understanding man, I should have just went for me….. but I wanted to share it with you, but we will always have New Politics!
So at the end of this I hope you know that you have & always “Give Me Hope”(By: New Politics)!:
Summer’s come but I don’t know why
It’s so damn hard for me to, do things right
But maybe if you just let me try
I can make you a believer, make you a believer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dC6CyTwbbvg
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
So If you’re not a believer in the validity of love being in existence, you sure as hell made me a believer! With that i’m never ever ever going to forget loving someone to the moon & back…… knowing that if it isn’t with you will be a long road that might never be achieved. Honestly I’ll take my odds because as focusing on being better will only bring more to the table if it isn’t you ❤& I can only thank you for motivating me to attempt.
They called it “ Tonight You’re Perfect” but every night your perfect.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7L4ZyZMZbnA
Goals to vision you helped complete me. Though you know I said tooooooo many things that you know I’d never be able to forget in a manic mode. But hey, that part of the path of self discovery. I hope you found it ❤ if anything I’m just happy to be alive and to think of life as a fixable path more so than a destitute one.
Yes I was definitely unstable by many regards. beyond a wild card in the deck but with that have found boundaries that I do not wish to extend beyond. Finally a place where the great beyond is beyond a care to explore, a place where cozy fuzzy blanket forts are the motive, fun is the plan, with a balance of care, love & laughter can be found. where birthday cakes can be face planted without a care in the world. Revolutions as a night time wind down.
Just know that I’ve found a way to love outright only because of our experiences.
I miss you everyday and know that you are the cornerstone that keeps me. The binding to my impulsive madness, the truth to my outspoken lies. The person that I will always think of fondly in a memory and always consider a family member. The only person to take time to understand the friendly friendless person that finds themselves helpful to the world. The 2 second pooper that can speak in tones that drive home to any person known. The guy with a mission(if not to find you) to keep improving to make myself better to the other half that will take me. something that I wish I was more thoughtful to understand way back.
Atleast I put a playlist together at the time & then after curated to help bring me back to every emotion I felt from our relationship. I might have left a few songs out of the playlist but what I planted has helped me grow, while remembering where I went wrong…… which was most to all.
So thank you for everything Honey Bun! You made the difference in my life to at least stop hurting the world, while working on myself relentlessly. Never knowing how I’d start nor end this first writing.
In summary, I miss the feelings of love we shared, You being the heart of my armor. Thanking you for at least teaching me how to find myself, because without you, i’d be lost.
knowing this isn’t the last & final reprieve will tell you that this is the first of many story tellings that I thank you for helping me articulate. To help young lost men trying to find love is a true purpose that I will shepherd to the end if asked(i’m not a tour guide). But if asked will only provide the most proper data, if asked will only respond with a proper value system of monogamy.
We can both thank Jordan B Peterson for helping me find the way(JRE as well). I just knew that I was missing a few pieces and with these wonderful pioneers have developed a sense of being that is much more realistic that my younger self.
Feeling like a somewhat old man on a certain level to be honest. I just don’t have a capability for young man thoughts or ideas. only Youtube, Facebook group growth & expanding into cryptocurrency. because when i’m economically stable guy, i’ll still only think of you and what I can do better to be a better man to my significant other, even if at the end of the day it isn’t you ❤
Now with all that I hope you understand that there is no pressure to respond to this message, i’m going to keep up with these messages, not only for you but for myself.
Now (always knowing) I wasn’t ready to be the man I needed to be. Hope you can find i’m worth writing back.
Maybe not & understand completely. It might not be the right time or the real prince has shown himself. Not a problem, as I keep writing just am happy to finally break out of this shell of self evaluation to at least tell you what you will always mean to me a person who through fluke became the cornerstone of my understanding of love. regardless of all of my mistakes along the way, regardless of your mistakes. Just to know that at one point, the way we spoke to each other way in format of eternal love.
From talking to each other about inheritance, i’ll never forget the wifey’st thing you said to me about the building. Maybe those statements fell short but I’d never be able to forget the conviction & trust of truth in your eyes when you said it towards the fall of 2014 about always being there, the rock of a cornerstone.
So enough about what’s happened…. what's happening?
I’m finally ready to write back ;-) (as a starter)
Seeing everyday as work until I find myself not only with love but also a purpose. values with boundaries & living while on a spree of a never ending missing of the love we shared.
As they say what goes around comes around & I sure the hell found what I was pushing. Never ever to attempt the same stunts on life that I embellished.
So this is to the timeline of our time, after the life of love you shocked me with can only thank you.
Sincerely, Julian Nicholas Taylor
& To all That am only holding gratitude for trying & if anything helping you discover everything you’d never want your man to have in his character.
Aleksandra Rhonda Buivydas, want you to know you’re the diamond in the rough, a smart mind and a relentless student.
So after all that hope you expect another letter from yours truly! even if its done think that processing these emotions will help others at the end of the day.
Sincerely, Julian Nicholas Taylor
Here are my Scars
Here is my Fist
Here is My Heart
P.S.
Alabama, Arkansas
I do love my ma and pa
Not that way that I do love you
Well, holy moly, me oh my
You’re the apple of my eye
Girl, I’ve never loved one like you
Man, oh man, you’re my best friend
I scream it to the nothingness
There ain’t nothing that I need
Well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy, Jesus Christ
Ain’t nothing please me more than you
Oh, home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Oh, home, let me come home
Home is wherever I’m with you
Below is full rollercoaster song playlist that i’ve tried my best to curated list of songs to help articulate the love we shared & i’ll always hold ❤
