Forced Love
I’m Looking Around at the Ground, with No Love in my sound. Love from family for my case was felt the desensitized rate of pace. To never have a ride or die lover left me with a feeling of emptiness. Funny how I think its immediately an external issue (which now leave me chuckling). So I sought to find whatever the market provided! In my case a wonderful love story that went super south to the frozen heart state of betrayal. I’ll own up to it, we fucked up, I fucked up, she fucked up….. everyone fucked up, our guardian’s fucked up which left everyone hurt. That’s what happens when you don’t stay in your lane, you leave some behind, and see new things. Next thing you know, You’re in a foreign world of people and places. All in the name of forced love with a good story. Trust me when I say I was absolutely convinced that searching was over.
We Met at Community College and coincidentally was in 2 of my 4 courses; Anthropology and Philosophy. I had been struggling with the philosophy course for about a week and came up with the idea to start a study group to get a few students together to go over flash cards and to articulate philosophical premises together to try and cover some ground towards a passing grade in the course. I Emailed the whole class list to schedule a time and student lounge to meet at. On the first day…. She was the only one who showed up, it was cute she knew just as little as I did in the subject but tried to maintain her motivation to work through the study time we had set over email, with absolutely no success. Not because we were stupid but because we had found ourselves orbiting around a potential piece of our lives that we had never truly felt from the world. For her Someone who cared about her, for me…. Someone to care for…….. Which was a huge step for myself as I had never been one for self-love? Which is a terrible thing to do thinking retrospectively, and this is because IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF YOU CAN’T LOVE ANYONE. You can go through the mechanics, but that will not bring any feelings of authenticity which is something I believe every human being craves for. Forced love is tough on everyone, the individual who forces the love away from themselves, the person who forces their love on another person, and it’s traumatizing for the person who is being oppressed by this un-consensual forced love that can leave a person broken. This is why it is imperative for me to force the love at myself. If I don’t, then I will have to live with myself and the world of negativity I create for myself. At the end of the day Forced Love is a “Faulty Emotional Dependency” . Faulty Emotional Dependencies are things that everyone knows of but do not recognize as. There is a fine line between hobby, passion and Faulty Emotional Dependency. For Example, One of the faulty emotional dependencies of my past is delinquent anti-social behavior. Which can be a weird one to read but will make sense after explained. It’s easy to make the lazy piece of corner cutting shit friend’s When you yourself are a lazy piece of corner cutting shit. With this social circle, everyone is an opportunist but one thing that is consistent is camaraderie, there is a false feeling of unity for a particular goal. And this for me was my big faulty emotional dependency, I would associate just for the faulty feeling. Now I hope everyone who has reads this has learned 2 things.
1. Forced Love Sucks for everyone and sucks the life out of everyone involved
2. Hanging with yourself ain’t a bad thing
Fewer People = fewer Problems (Majority of the Time)
(Just think about playing Telephone and you’ll get it)
Now I Have next to nothing other than anecdotal evidence. Some people are like me and need to find out things for themselves. After going through my “Forced Love Simulation” I can say that Advice is a great thing to take. But you might feel like you are missing a piece of your journey if you don’t commit to the moment and make the best ( thinking it will last forever). But funny enough here I am, and those moments are over, forced love has tarnished the silver film of my child like eyes for good, and that’s not bad.
“I’m bad, and that’s good.
I will never be good, and that’s not bad.
There’s no one I’d rather be than me.”
-Wreck-It, Ralph
