Dear Warrior Brothers,
The work around giving power to others to be less intimidating hit me in the bullseye. I missed last week and this week said very little due to the amount of time the work would take as well as the weight of the emotion residing behind the work.
This work has to do with my current uncontrollable reaction to being in the presence of an old friendship gone so sour that I hope this is the last time I go through it, forgiven and betrayed again.
Now most of you don’t know Raphael he’s a life long friend of mine that is on spectrum autistic (in some regards) and realistically a conniving manipulative ungrateful alcoholic on the other hand.
unfortunately this isn’t a referendum on him, but more so myself as well as a reflection of the ignorance I’ve allowed my life to have the capacity for.
The Friday morning 1/27, after our iGroup on 1/26 he showed up with hidden intentions of staying over for the night on my couch, a half decent 6 pack of IPA’s and a bottle of whisky to pay for his couch surfer’s passage through the night. Hidden under the disguise of generosity for 3D printing his father replaced traveler’s size chess pieces.
While I was sizing the 3D prints as well as whipping up us both breakfast, he asked if we needed to get groceries. I checked the refrigerator and said definitely. When we went he picked up nothing and when we were at checkout just left to stand outside swiping around on his phone.
We stopped at Walmart to pick up a 5 gallon bucket for my Kombucha Brewing and left to get back to prep and cook.
While I was prepping he did very little to maybe even hurt the process. He basically didn’t prep anything with care or to optimally save what was useful from the vegetables, he mixed the meat with the rice making it all soggy.
A True Tragedy, that leaves me so ragefully that I basically can’t control my irrational actions, feelings or thoughts and am caught in a positive feedback loop only making the matter worse and rippling into my other relationships.
This can be verifiably seen through a number of situations that I’ve had to experience…. somehow at the hand of a nitwitted fool that leads people into dark places by his very presence.
From breaking the trust of being seen as family, by his mother and father rudely saying “ it’s not the right time for me to be here” just after my ‘best friend’ just had eye surgery and called me begging to come by and spend some time with him. but when I get there my ex-girlfriend (another person on the list of complete wastes of my time from investing into self) has weaseled her way into my ‘extended non-blood related family’’s’ home! With Raphael’s Mom snapping her fingers to signal his dad that he needs to pull me aside. when he asked me to talk to him in the basement he said “ it’s just not the right time for you to be here”. Raphael didn’t stand up for me, he didn’t object and he said his goodbyes.
Being Homosexually Attracted to Me,
I called him my cousin, and saw him as a brother.
that’s a pretty quick one, definitely forcing my hand with the highest form of rejection. Not only is every thought of having any curiosity in the subject turned to a repulsive disgust. It’s forced me to look back on my life through a different lens that leaves me in a vulnerable place. questioning people’s intentions, motives, and overall expectations of me. beyond that disbelieve their compliments as mirages.
After the Soggy dinner on 1/27 Raphael decided to disregard helping with the dishes ( I don’t have a dishwasher), cleaning up the countertops, & drink all of the whiskey that he brought over as a gesture for the chess pieces (or whatever). He then proceeded to call me a vulture as well as just disrespecting my hospitality.
Left with very little empathy and no sympathy at this point. I lost my temper, no cops called or anything but I lost my temper, I didn’t get physical but I started spewing words faster than he can process. Found myself on the brink of kicking him out and having him sleep off the whiskey in his car and drive back once sobered up.
This coming from a person that found a way to ask so many people I knew to bum cigarettes’ that it made me uncomfortable!
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Now with all this data, I at some point on some day; began blaming my mother for being the problem. When I was young she’d always tell me to treat Raphael with extra care, look out for him and give him extra slack which I feel now has held back my life’s potential.
Mercy has spared him but forsaken me in the process.
Not like life’s over for me i’m 27 years old with a slightly sagging chest of an out of shape 33 year old, I shouldn’t be stuck on things like this. But I find myself stuck and anytime I find myself interacting with Raphael I’m overcome with an uncontrollable level of disappointment that I lash out at my mom(who still will defend him)
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Now Somehow someway Raphael needs to go, I’ve attempted every method to communicate what he is doing wrong but it’s like the Tom & Jerry Submarine skit…..
I’m Tom trying to patch up all the leaks while Jerry is running around making more holes in the submarine causing it to sink.
Maybe it isn’t as serious as I think it is(what my mom says) but i think it is a matter of “Life & Death” to achieve my life’s purpose, if not purpose my life’s independent dream from my father and the lack of dream from my mother.
I’ve spent the last year experimenting with as many avenues as possible from publishing 10 coloring books on amazon to 200+ copyrighted abstract art books, internet streaming(which I have a huge chip on my shoulder from the lack of attentive parenting[for another entry]) built the foundational art for my potential Clothing/Interior Design business, Cannabis Concentrate Community helping people find useful information to remove frustrations from their experiences, as well as have the capacity to do(less than I once could accomplish) but have enough to work with that if I work hard I won’t be shaded in life living under the wing of my family which choose to no accept the fact that I smoke weed everyday and if they wanted to take some time to understand(which they don’t) then they’d chief a fatty with their son to maybe understand a sliver of confusing pain that they’ve both put me through.
From forcing friends that shouldn’t exist, to having a father that expects himself to be enough for a son. disregarding friends that he stole my school vacations from, or the isolation I would experience while visiting him.
Now Rob, my friend Billy’s father just died the day after the superbowl at 58 years old from a heart attack on the toilet while my friend was making breakfast for him. Billy spoke about his father coaching his baseball team, teaching him how to bowl, teaching him how to shoot pool, teaching him how to ride a bike, teaching him about what he knew, offering support, love , genuinely.
This makes me… Sad Mad.
It makes me sad-mad because though my life isn’t bad directly, it’s empty. My father was in a different country, my mom was blaming him. I grew up with a bunch of random men plowing my mom raising me. Now she wasn’t a whore from my knowledge but she definitely adulterated one of my once (in my mind) favorite coaches. I would golf with him while being 12 years old thinking he was just the greatest guy ever, very pleasant , kind spirited and always having a positive outlook. Maybe it was because of behind the curtain motives but I’ll never know, it just leaves me distrusting.
this isn’t an understatement
Beyond that bullshit, baseball is it’s own story in itself.
I’ll say that if any parent is thinking about forging a fake birth certificate for their son to play down with younger children in Traveling Baseball; is doing a huge disservice to the maturity of their child. Maybe it was an experiment , maybe it was a ploy for my mother to hang onto the past social circles that were once relative. but whatever reason it left me understanding that rules didn’t apply to me.
Do what I say, not what I do is some cadence to teach a kid to abstract. especially that early.
leaving that there though brothers, I know that for my life long mental wealth I need to process instead of repress. Give space to what needs to be redressed and move forward with power.
Yes this last occurrence with Raphael could have been avoided if I called out what I already knew and stayed true to my rules. but like many that taught me before, rules are meant to be broken.
This directly applies to my sleeping, eating, exercise habits that I fail to regulate, either out of disorder or work-aholism towards the big dream that I feel is slipping from my potentiality.
Like today, I woke up at 7am, didn’t eat until 10:30pm.
Now this ability would be useful if applied properly but currently has me feeling as if my body is deteriorating. I need to figure out some simple routines to prime my body before adding actual weights.
……………… I think I feel better just at least typing this out because i’m allowed to run through my experience and maybe even reorienting my perspective on the subject.
Overall I’m sad-mad at myself for not being the best of myself. Jordan Peterson talks about individuals being in some sorts, a node in a network. That network is dependent on the quality you present to the network and is influenced by your choices. I now am a firm believer in this and hope to enrich & motivate my networks.
If it ain’t growing, it’s dying
And I am nowhere ready to give-up & die.
Just working through some things on a keyboard and thank you men for reading.
I’m Julian & I am Growing.
Sincerely, Julian Nicholas Taylor
Sincerely, Julian Taylor