Am I just Depressed? Or is this Real?
A big question I have for myself tonight, as I sit here in a sunken place sulking over the disappointments within my family’s communication skills.
After 18 years of this repetitive cycle of living, I left for anywhere else to Indiana and never truly understood what I was running from inside this house that I’ve recently taken time to dwell within for one last Who-Ra! And as I sit here where I once was very joyous about being allowed to live here again(after stripping myself of most dignities and amenities of life).
Find myself angry and resentful almost every day. From the small unneeded concerns for milk that are never fulfilled and ultimately leaving me somewhat disappointed… time and time again. Not like the milk was something I couldn’t get. but just the fact that it's a forgotten account is terrifying in two respects.
One, Straight Burnout overload, This would be something reasonable to chalk it up to. Makes me feel irrelevant.
Two, Early-stage dementia…. God help me if this is the cause.
Or Three, I am overly sensitive to these issues because I have had them branded into my habit recognition system of myself. Compounding the emotional interest I bear from the experience from every new account.
People aren’t perfect but they damn well know when they’ve had the floor for as long as they please.
Bringing me to the solution. Leaving, and just visiting.
I really can’t live with either of my parents due to the nature of their self-absorbed thought processes. nor do I wish to sacrifice my time to listen to a person (any person) that takes a little time to listen to me as done.
This goes to the years of buildup that have left me in an emotional turmoil that I have now for the last 9 months feel the progression.
Literally the day my Aunt Leeka went to the nursing home. The family was broken and there were only three. Forming a love triangle that I now see, just after typing this out. this leaves me knowing what the gameplay will be like as it will always be a 2v1 alliance leaving one man stranded.
This is fine by me as long as I keep this understanding in the front of my mind, the alliance created by Rene, and My mom will keep them bonded and together.
My goal is to stop all attempts at antagonization. This means I must move my equipment elsewhere, for some time just to at least get myself reset. maybe a week to start… this is a tough one planning the budget out because I will need breakfast and lunch stuff unless I skip for just dinner….
either way, I can’t care about $ more than peace of mind, simply because somethings are just better than money when that’s an option available on the table.
I just needed to jot this down because every day I feel like shit living in a nice house that I don’t feel welcome in any longer. I need to live in a space that makes me feel like I am home and not a guest.
And realistically I need to find my own way without the overtly everyday influence, judgment, and rejections of my parents. Their model is outdated and they have no ideas that are feasible for my development. in a way that would actually make me love my life.
The cold hard strategy is optional if you have a warm heavy heart
Sincerely, Julian Nicholas Taylor
